Margaux in Med School

I'm just an average American med student... ok, well, sort of. That's me, top right -- and below that my dog! Isn't she cute? You know she is. Watch the dog...Be the dog!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Existential crap

Apparently my new theme is "coming out of a fog" as that is again how I feel, finally posting after several weeks, to my blog.

I just took a test this morning so I'm working on only a few hours of sleep. I am not sure if it is superstition or just the way I operate, but I just can't go to bed the night before a test anytime earlier than 2:00am. I have this horrible fear that being well rested equates with a crap grade. I am such a hypocrite too -- since I tell all my little Kaplan folks that they absolutely must get a good night's sleep before their tests.

So here we are, Friday evening and I have had roughly 3.5 hours of sleep -- but I passed my test!!! I even did pretty well. Sadly, it makes no difference how well I do on this or the next test since my previous test score pretty much safely keeps me in the decent-but-sucky grade category as long as I pass.

Re-reading this post it is horribly boring -- sorry. But apparently med school is a lot of killing yourself for small rewards. It pretty much is the ultimate masochistic endeavor. Who knew? (Ok actually both my parents knew and practically begged me to go to law school - but whatev).

Lately, all this obsessive studying is making me realize how single-minded my life is right now. I am sort of wanting to rejoin the dating masses. It is pretty darn frightening but there you go - honesty. I miss relationships -- they are sort of few and far between in my life, often a bit shallow - but even so, I miss it. The euphoria at the beginning. The excitement, tinged with fear, it is such a unique experience.

Unfortunately, med school seems like the most extreme realtionship killer ever --> the impetus to try something when you know it could permanently damage your career if it ends ... not so much. I am just pretty sure my grades post-break up would suck, if my past attitudes have been any indicator.

I think all this relationship gunk is a product of a study-group conversation. So we're sitting around SP, T and D, and of course Sex and the City comes up, as is wont to do anytime four girlfriends have a chat. We're talking, discussing our likes and dislikes in realtionships, and it just brought San Francisco rushing back to me. I missed my old, crap-job, roomate-stressed, med school-applying life in the City. Med school really is the right place for me, but I missed the old me. Once you leave your life as a functoning adult, with a job, friends and responsibilities, you change. It is inevitable.

The med school me is a new person, she's calmer, yet more intense. She feels an over-arching sense of purpose. Even so, she's not as confident as the old me, doesn't feel free to say exactly what she means, and live her life her way. Quite frankly, comparitively she doesn't have much of a social life, and hardly ever does stuff just for herself.

Just like I sometimes miss the emotionally-intense, irresponsible teenage me, I find myself missing the young adult own-person me as well. It is a true but unfortunate fact that you never get off scot free, everything has a price, and the old you must change if you want to fully embrace the new you.

I don't know -- this sure seems like a self-indulgent whine-fest to me, but I guess I had to get it off my chest --- too little sleep and way too much caffeine is a deadly combo.

don't think too hard
-M

2 Comments:

  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger James Corrick said…

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  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger ladomivita said…

    it's not a whine-fest =) we should go out and meet boys! i can be your wingwoman ;) we'll work hard and play hard...heehee!

     

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